Hai, hallo. It’s been a while since I wrote nirfaedah facts about my life here. It goes on my mind, how should I treat this blog in a good way? I mean, after graduating from Stockholm University, there is a lot of things that I want to share about what I learn there. About politics, popular culture, and so on. But the thing is radioholicz is already my personal blog. There is a LOT of things happened, even I can’t recognize some of them. In what episode am I in this post again?
This endless thought about should I make another blog talks about serious stuff or just simply write it down here is just like the question, who came first? The eggs or the chicken? Well, I decided not to argue anymore. I just want to write the thing down. Isn’t idea just becomes a wild thought if you don’t release it? Here I am, feeling guilty about all those post-it notes where I already made a list of what should I write and ignore it as my best.
After the long post about Stockholm’s Syndrome, my life goes constantly flat. It goes like this, wakes up in the morning, goes to the office, become a zombie for a couple of hours, and then go home. Sometimes I just hang out with some friends, or just go home and start binge-watching whatever I have on my laptop. During the weekend I will crash at my parent’s house for a couple of hours, eat, sleep, and talk to them. After that, my daily routine is back to Monday again.
That goes smoothly until my wild journey about becoming the head of the committee my sister’s wedding, Java Jazz concert, a deep conversation about the relationship, and ended up in a hospital. That sums 2017 in a nutshell. I’m taking a full-time recovery doing nothing. 30 days of just watching National Geography on television, sleep, eat, repeat. I’m defeated. Suddenly I remembered what my friend told me,
“Why do you have to rush everything? Why do try so hard to look happy?”
That’s when I realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself for a year. I become a couch potato. I’m destroying myself, my health and so on. Am I depressed? I should say so. I’m in denial. Then I remembered five stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I’m on denial that I am back in Makassar already. Settle down with my life in this episodes. I’m grieving for my past life. There is a time when I’m so angry that I want to punch the window and throw things at people. There is a time when I just want to slap people or get hit by a car. The wave of bargaining didn’t go well, and that is the time when the depression hit me so hard. I turned into a zombie. It was easier to kill your own feelings.
In those 30 days of doing nothing, I finally come to my senses. Well damn, I’m not a quitter. This phase too shall pass. I’m done with pitying my own life. So I accept my story in this timeline for the next 5 years.
2017 is the time when I lost to myself and my ego. I don’t have any plans left. How should I enjoy things if you don’t have any goals anymore? As I look again on my bucket list, it’s already happened. The last thing that I have to achieve is get married and start a family. Which it’s not going to happen anytime soon.
“You don’t have to rush everything dear.”
So here we are in 2018 already. 16 days have passed with me struggling with a few deadlines. But I’m okay. I’m happy with my job, my situation and I do not worry (well, maybe a little bit) about few things in the future. Live the moment. Seize the day. That’s a line from Avenged Sevenfold. Instead of being drowned like a dead fish, I decide to put a small goal or target for this year. I want to learn about graphic design and how to be a clip editor (so to say?). I want to re-read my academic journal and write some more. Gosh, I even didn’t write anything for last year. Last but not least, I want to do half marathon and back in shape this year.
Wish me luck! How’s your 2017 and 2018 so far?